Back to the usual, blogging because of a hospital visit. This one wasn't the usual visit though.

Last night, Miles and I were downstairs watching Ben play his new video game (the new Uncharted game is really cool). Conan was already up in bed since it was probably close to 9:00pm. Ben started complaining that a couple of sunflower seeds he had eaten were giving him really bad heart burn. I thought it was really funny because he had literally only eaten maybe five seeds. Apparently, they give him heart burn though. He went upstairs to get some antacids, and Miles and I waited and waited for him to come back down. A few minutes later, from the basement, we could hear Ben vomiting violently in the bathroom upstairs. That lasted for a good ten minutes. Ben's always had a pretty weak stomach, so i didn't think too much of it, although it did last a lot longer than normally. A few minutes later, I heard some screaming, then Ben yelled for me. I ran upstairs and found him writhing on the floor in the entryway. I asked if he wanted to go to the hospital, and he told me to give him a half hour. He only lasted about 5 minutes though.

We all threw some clothes on since we'd already gotten ready for bed. I called Alex to see if I could drop the kids off, and he quickly answered that he was at the Gateway, but he was on the way home. He said that he would call as soon as he got home. I was so grateful that they were willing to take them even though they weren't at home....and especially because I didn't think about it at the time, but it was Jenn's birthday. Man, I'm a jerk. Anyway, I loaded the kids in the car, and Ben hobbled out. He was definitely in pain when we left, but he seemed okay enough to just take him to Urgent Care. As we drove down Main Street it just got worse and worse though. Every minute or so, he'd clench his chest and scream for about 30 seconds. It got to the point where he was instructing me to run red lights, and obviously, we went straight to the ER.

In all the chaos, I had set my phone down by my purse after talking to Alex and left it at the house. I was a little concerned because how was I supposed to arrange babies without being able to get a hold of him? Whoops! Luckily, I have great in-laws that didn't even go home before coming to the ER. Not long after taking the kids into the waiting area, I saw their van pull up in front of the doors. I don't even know how they got there so fast. Thank you so much Alex and Jenn! You guys are the best!

Not too much happened at the hospital. They gave him morphine, and that really seemed to calm Ben down (and make him a little silly). They did an EKG, x-ray, and a ct, along with blood work. Nothing showed anything terribly telling. I guess one of his kidneys is a little small, but that wouldn't have caused these problems. They narrowed it down to gall bladder problems and/or ulcers, but they ultimately sent us home and told us to come back if it came back. Not super helpful. Although, I'm very glad that it wasn't a heart issue, it would have been so nice to have some sort of answer.

Ben hasn't had any more of those "episodes" since we got back from the hospital, but he did say that he felt like his chest had been run over by a dump truck. Today, he followed up with his regular doctor. I stayed home with the kids, so I honestly don't know what happened. I was asleep when he got home, and he was asleep, and still is, when I woke up. I did gather that he was referred to a gi specialist, and he was given nexium. I'm pretty anxious for Ben to go to a specialist because I've thought that he has ulcers for a long time. I'd definitely like to get it all under control. Our family has enough medical issues as is.

Typically, I remember to write when Miles is sick, and although he is having a few problems today, I really just thought it was time for an update. It's been a good three months, and a lot has happened. Trying to fit everything in would take much longer than anyone would ever be willing to read, so I'll give the condensed version.

We were so excited that mid August marked not only the two year anniversary of Miles' OHS, but also marked a full year without being admitted to the hospital. That's not to say we didn't have our problems, and their were even ER visits, but we were able to basically control things "in house". Quite an accomplishment considering the previous year we averaged almost a stay a month. Unfortunately, our streak lasted only that year because within a couple of weeks, we were back at Primary. Miles had had a particularly bad asthma episode and being that it was either late or the weekend (it was a while ago, so I don't exactly remember), we visited the Instacare. Little was done there other than an x-ray that showed he probably had pneumonia. We were sent home for more treatments and with a prescription of zithromax. Things just seemed to get worse, so we made a second trip, this time to the Urgentcare later that night. They gave him a super-neb and a prescription for prednisone. The doctor told me that he really couldn't do anything more than I was already doing at home, so if things got any worse, he needed to go to the ER. Things seemed to improve though, so we didn't do anything else that night.

The next morning, I took him to his pediatrician, just for a follow up. He sounded so much better, so I was really surprised when his oxygen levels never exceeded 80, even after a few treatments. I think Dr. Ditty was pretty surprised too, thought his pulse/ox machine wasn't working, but a second gave readings just as bad. He looked at me and said, "I'm really sorry, but I really can't legally let you take him home this low. You're going to have to take him up the hill". Even though his office is connected to Mountain West Medical Center, he would never send me there. He just grabbed an oxygen tank from his closet, set it, hooked him up and told me to go straight to Primary.

I was surprised when after the car ride on over 2 liters of oxygen, his levels were still super low when read at PCMC. I was even more surprised when I was told that not only would Miles need to certainly stay for a few days, but that the doctors were debating on whether he'd stay in the medical unit or in the ICU. The only time he'd stayed in the ICU was right after his surgery.

Luckily, we avoided the ICU, but it did take three days before Miles was able to start being weened off of oxygen. His treatment was basically the same as in the past. And, like in the past, the exacerbation is still kind of unexplained. We've managed to stay out of the hospital since then, so I guess that's good though. Now, it's time to gear up for cold and flu season. I have a feeling it might be a tough one.

Well, that wasn't very condensed, now was it? I'll try to do better with the rest.

The week after Miles was released, we headed to Southern California with Rod, Cathy and Aubrey. It was our first time flying with the kids, and while they were really good, and it saved a lot of time, with a relatively short trip like CA, I think it was more hassle than just driving. We stayed in an amazing condo, thanks to Cathy and Marriott Resorts. It was nice to be able to stay together but still have our own room, and a kitchen was priceless. We spent the first couple of days with the animals at the San Diego Zoo and Sea World. I always love going to those places because we just don't have anything of that level here. Don't get me wrong. I do love Hogle Zoo, but we don't have a Sun Bear. The next three days were spent at my favorite place on the planet. Disneyland. It really is my favorite place, and I've been all over the world. It was so fun to see that Miles really did remember things from last year. This time he understood so much more and was so excited about everything. Conan even got excited by things. He was particularly fascinated by the big Buzz robot in Astro Blasters. We had so much fun at Disneyland that we're thinking that instead of a lot of toys and things, we're going to ask Santa to send us back to Disneyland in January. Our final vacation day we went to Universal Studios. It's been years (like 20) since I've been to Universal, so most of it was new to me. I did not remember them having so much. I know that I disappointed Ben because I am not a thrill ride person, so I skipped some of those. I loved the backlot tour though. So much cooler than I remembered it! And I thought that the Simpson's ride was really fun. It was too bad that Miles was about an inch and a half too short to ride it because he would have loved it. We're hoping that we can stretch him a little by January because he just missed out on some great rides at Disneyland too. Anyhow, it was an awesome trip, and having family there always makes it so much fun!

Because of the hospital stay and our vacation, Miles missed his first two weeks of Joy School. Luckily, we have really great neighbors that brought over a bunch of what he missed out on. I was super excited when some of the gals in the ward invited me to participate. I really wanted to Miles into some form of pre-school, mainly to get him around the other kids on a regular basis. It's been so much fun for Miles, and I just completed my first two classes. The first was on the letter "G". We based it on gardens and ghosts. The next lesson was the letter "H". I told the story of the little red hen and talked about helping, then we did some h is for Halloween activities. On Thursday, we had our Halloween party, and I think that all the kids had a lot of fun. The only complaint that I've had so far is that I have the worst child ever to wake up, and even though school isn't that early at 9:30, Miles always seems to pick those days to want to sleep in. Stinker.

Conan had a major milestone a couple of weeks ago. Literally, while I was in the process of complaining to my family about him not being able to walk, he walked across the cabin living room. I guess he showed me, eh? He's just gotten better since then. I have to say that he really doesn't have very good balance. He's very wobbly. It might have something to do with little tiny feet and legs and a great big fat body and head. He compensates very well though. Just when he's so slanted you think he's going to hit the floor, he wobbles in the other direction. It's very cute. Now that we've got the walking down, we need to work on the talking.

I've been busy the past week trying to figure out Festival of Trees. My mother pointed out that i have less than a month, and I'm getting a little frantic because I'm super disorganized. I think that my small tree and wreath are basically ready to assemble, and I have a relatively clear vision for them. my large tree is another story. After last year, I'm just not sure if this can measure up. It always seems to come together in the end though. I'm sure it will be great. Even if it's not, I know that it will sell because it's a Disney themed tree, and they always do.

Something kind of special happened a couple of days ago. I got an email from one of the publicity heads for Festival of Trees asking permission to share our story in their advertising in the next coming weeks. It wasn't a very specific email, so I wondered if it was kind of a mass email, but I did give permission. I pretty immediately got a response that said that Miles story really touched her, and she was excited to share it. I thought that that was really neat. I still don't know what exactly it all means. I replied and told her that if she needed anything further (pictures, etc.) to let me know. I basically did that hoping I could get more info on what would be happening. I haven't heard back, but that was only last night, so we'll see. My guess is that they may refer to it in one of there radio interviews or something. I'd love to know though. I was curious why they wanted our story since I'm sure it's not the most interesting, but my sister made a good point. Miles is a success story. Doctor's at PCMC caught his problems in the nick of time and corrected what they could at that moment. He gets continued treatment at the hospital, but it really is a positive story.

I can hear my kids trying to murder each other, so I'd better stop for now. I'll try to be back before another few months pass.....hopefully for good news, so stay tuned.

I was on facebook this evening, and I just happened to click on the blog link for a high school friend. I thought it was a blog link anyway. It turns out that it was more of a carepage/journal of her son's fight with cancer. I haven't kept in touch with this friend in a meaningful way at all since high school, and I did not know that she had a child with cancer. I read a little bit, and I believe he was diagnosed with brain cancer when he was 7. After excessive treatment, it was all but taken care of. Unfortunately, it later returned, but after more treatment, a routine mri showed it had disappeared. However, his last mri, earlier this month, showed it had come back really aggressively, and there is no treatment for it. Her little boy was put on hospice and given 1-2 months to live. I think it took me about a half hour to read the page long post because I was crying so hard.

Since Miles was diagnosed with CHD, we've known that there is that possibility that he wouldn't always be with us. Shone's kids do not have super great life expectancies. Thankfully, Miles' condition has not progressed (negatively) much at all since his initial OHS. For a Shone's baby, he is relatively healthy. Still, Ben and I have had a lot of talks that parents don't want to have, planning for what ifs and what thens. It's never been easy, but it's been manageable....at this point anyway. I can't imagine being told that my child has only a certain amount of time left to live. What would you do? I can't think of anything worse.

When I read my friend's post, she was happy. They had been in Legoland and Disneyland, I think a last big family trip. She didn't talk about her son's sickness or how much she was going to miss him. She just wrote about the fun time they were having and the silly things her little boy had done that day. I really admire her for her attitude and bravery. I know I couldn't do that. My heart goes out to her.

I am so grateful for my boys and for their health. When I hear things like that, it makes those little things like dumping out all of the toy bins or spraying Capri Suns all over the house seem pretty insignificant. I love my babies!

A Few Thoughts

I just had a thought, and I was planning on posting it on facebook, but then I had another thought, then another, and that's just too much. Plus, it's been several weeks since the last update, so this is probably the best channel for my thoughts.

First, I love that my sons' favorite show is Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. In all honesty, it's a pretty stupid show, but it stars the "Fabulous Five", and there's no one else that I'd rather brainwash my children's minds. I adore Disney, especially the classic characters. I love that I can take (and have taken) my very young children to Disneyland, and they know who all the characters are and actually understand the rides. Ben and I were talking to Miles today about our upcoming vacation to Southern California, and Miles told us, without any reminders from us, what he was going to do at Disneyland. First, he'd go on Dumbo, a green Dumbo, then he'd shoot Zurg all by himself. He'd go through the hole on the calapitter (I'm pretty sure that means go through the watermelon tunnel on the Heimlich caterpillar ride). He wanted to fly on the boats and see Captain Hook and Mr. Smee and see Sully on the "Monshuhs" (Monsters Inc.) ride. I'm surprised that he remembers so much about Disneyland. The last time we went was about a year ago, and he was only 2 months past 2. Good memory. I'm so excited to take him back to all these fun things that he remembers. And I'm excited to see how Coney likes it now that he's old enough to have more of a reaction. Like Miles, he loves watching all of the Disney shows and gets especially smiley when he sees Mickey Mouse. It warms my heart (and probably freezes Ben's--just kidding, I know he secretly loves it too. Otherwise we wouldn't end up at Disneyland every year) to see my children developing the same love for all things Disney that I have. I owe so much happiness to Walt Disney.......even if Ben says he was a communist.

Next, I think that Miles truly believes that Conan's stuffed Handy Manny doll is the real thing. He's been conversing with him all day and carrying him around on his shoulders. He made a bed for him at the foot of my bed tonight, complete with throw pillow from the living room couch and the blanket....off of me. I took it back while Miles was in the bathroom, thinking that he wouldn't care. When he came back in the room, he got very concerned, took the blanket back off of me, tucked Manny back in, and told me to be quiet because Manny was trying to sleep. Then, when he got into bed (because unfortunately, he still sleeps with us) he bumped Manny. Of course, he apologized to him profusely. What a silly boy. I appreciate his imagination.

Another thought, that really probably doesn't need to be vocalized, but I'll still do it. I love oatmeal! I really do. I've been trying to eat healthy and got kind of ornery when Ben picked up fried chicken and potato wedges for dinner. I don't have much in my fridge that is healthy that doesn't require a lot of preparation, so I settled for some oatmeal. It was so delicious, possibly the best I've ever experienced. I prefer Irish oatmeal. It's a little bit creamier while still maintaining the integrity of the individual oats. So good! I topped it with some pecan pieces, flax seed and a little honey. I think that the key was adding sufficient salt to the water. Mmmmm! I might have to have more for breakfast. That's all. I just love oatmeal.

Now a quick update of our recent goings on. Miles and Conan had their birthday party a couple weeks ago. They had a superhero party and even had a special guest appearance, Spiderman. Thank you so much, Spiderman! You were great. We're still recovering from the present overload. They got so many fun things for their birthdays. We're going to have to rotate some toys and donate some of the older ones because their little playroom just can't accommodate everything. I think that we're going to have to take a break from birthday presents next year. They got so many great things this year, that I think they'll stay busy for at least another year. I think that next year having all of their friends and family around will be more than enough gift. Don't worry. We'll still put some money in their 529s or take them on a little trip or something special.

Speaking of trips, Conan's and Mile's actually birth dates were spent on vacation at Redfish Lake in ID. It was so beautiful and relaxing! It was the greatest Christmas gift from Karri and Tam. They got a beautiful cabin right by the lake that we shared with them and Alex's family. The kids had so much fun spending the week at the beach with their cousins, and Ben and I enjoyed our late night games with the adults. I think I understand now why they all love Redfish so much. It really is one of the best places I've ever been.

We've had a rough couple weeks with the cars. Actually, we hit a deer on the way to Redfish, but surprisingly, it did practically nothing to our car, so that was the least of our worries. A little after we got home, the brakes on the Intrepid pretty much went out. We finally got them fixed today, and it turns out they were completely gone, so it was good we took it in. There's also all sorts of squealing going on when we turn the AC on, but apparently, it doesn't really matter and is super expensive to fix, so we'll live with it for now. My Mazda is doing the same thing, only it's overheating when I use the AC too, so that's awesome. Oh, and it had a flat tire when we got home too. Anyhow, both cars are kind of on their way out, mine more than Ben's. They both have over 100,000 miles on them, so they've lived good lives, but it's time to replace at least one. I finally convinced Ben that we needed a minivan. I know. I'm super cool. I'm just sick of having to climb over the seat to console crying babies. It would be much easier to just walk back, and sit in the empty seat next to them. And they extra room would be fantastic.

We went to Doug Smith Autoplex in American Fork today and were reminded of how horrific car shopping is. We had a salesman approach us before we were even out of our car. We looked at one minivan that really was a great deal, but instead of pilot seats, it had a smaller middle bench that had to be folded down to get to the back bench. I thought it was strange that the whole bench folded together because then you can't have a car seat on the middle bench. Isn't that what a minivan is for? For mom's with lots of babies and therefore lots of car seats. It just doesn't make any sense. The salesman even agreed that it probably wouldn't be the most convenient car for us because of that. Despite that pretty big downfall, Ben still took it for a little test drive (I think that actually happened before I discovered the seat handicap. Apparently, while on the test drive the salesman told Ben that his wife had just left him because he became a used car salesman. More than a little awkward. He tried for about an hour after the test drive to get us to agree to buy the minivan and would not take no for an answer, even though we flat out told him that we were not ready or interested in that vehicle. I don't know if he was just a weird guy or was trying to tug at our heartstrings or both, but he kept trying to guilt us into buying the car because he "needed to earn a living to put food on the table and shoes on his kid's feet". I guess I felt bad for the guy, but it made me want to buy a car from him even less. I'd rather just have someone who is all business. It was just too creepy.

I suppose it's about time for an update. It's been about a month and a half, and it's been a pretty busy month and a half.

A few weeks ago I had my nose surgery. For anyone who didn't read the last couple of posts, I did not get a nose job. I actually quite like my nose. No, I had a severely deviated septum corrected and my adenoids removed. My original purpose for doing this was to fix a bit of a snoring problem in hopes that Ben would be able to sleep better, but I thought it might also be nice to be able to sleep myself....and to be able to breathe through my nose. That is something that I have never been able to do. In fact, it wasn't until I was probably in 1st grade that I even knew you could breathe through your nose. I'd always wondered, "What if robbers came and tied me up and put duct tape over my mouth?" I would suffocate because I really couldn't breathe through my nose for more than a little while without probably passing out. (I also have to consciously think about breathing through my nose because it is not at all natural for me).

Anyhow, I had the surgery a few weeks ago. I knew that it would be painful, but I didn't think that it would be too big of a deal. Family took the kids for a few days because Ben was going to be working, and I was nervous about little babies being attracted to a big white bandage on my face. Ben really wanted me to find babysitters for the entire week, but I thought that was kind of ridiculous. I was kind of looking forward to a few days alone and had a list of all sorts of chores to do. I'm here to say that Ben was totally right. Not so much that the kids needed to be gone longer, but it was a much bigger deal than I expected. Ben ended up taking 3 days off work because I couldn't even get out of bed to get my medicine. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced, and I've given birth to two babies whose heads are off the charts. It was so miserable! Forget the soreness from the actual surgery. The biggest problem was blood constantly draining down my throat because my nose was all packed. Apparently, the human body cannot digest human blood, so there was some pretty awful vomiting. And since I was on some pretty strong pain meds, I wasn't so with it and ended ruining some bedding (blood vomit does not wash out).

I was encouraged by the thought of having the packing removed from my nose after four days. I had been told that things would improve 100% once it was gone. True, recovery was much easier once my nasal cavity was open. No one had said anything about how awful the removal would be. The four days with the packing in was terrible, but the 20 mins. I was in having the packing removed was as bad as those four days combined into 20 minutes. It probably wouldn't have been quite so bad if when the packing was pulled out my nose didn't turn on like a faucet. I couldn't see it all, but I felt it, and Ben said that he had never seen so much blood in his life. Since it was bleeding so profusely, Dr. Ventura used a suctioning tool like at the dentist to try to clear things out. He was suctioning my nose, so obviously I couldn't breathe through it. Meanwhile, more blood was dripping down my throat, making it difficult to breathe, so I ended up aspirating blood all over my doctor. I'm sure he appreciated that. It was a grizzly mess. A bit of advice, use hydrogen peroxide to get blood out of clothing and off skin.

Once it was all done, I really wasn't sure that it was worth it. Now, it's still a little sore, but I will say, I can breathe through my nose. I'm not sure what the snoring situation is, but I'm sleeping longer without waking up, and I feel like the entire inside of my nose is hollowed out. It's so open that it almost burns to breathe. Moral of the story: I think nose surgery works, but I would never recommend it unless you REALLY need it.

The sad part of the month was a week ago Friday when my Grandpa Ray passed away. My grandpa had had a difficult time ever since his car accident about 5 years ago. He never really recovered and things just got worse over time. It's hard to explain what an impact that accident made to anyone who did not know my grandparents prior to it. It was kind of like my grandpa aged 15 years overnight. Since the accident, my grandpa has had a lot of problems. He's been in and out of hospitals and rehabilitation centers. A couple of months ago, he was put on in home hospice care. For weeks, he's basically been lying in bed, and about a week before he passed, we were told that he was pretty comatose. It's so sad to see someone deteriorate like that.

It's been neat, over the past week, and during the funeral to hear stories about my grandpa that I had not heard before. I knew that he had served in the Battle of Tarawa during WWII, but I don't think I really understood (and of course I still really don't) what he went through. He was the last known survivor of the battle and survived some really amazing circumstances. He's definitely a hero. I knew that he had received a Purple Heart for being wound during that battle, but I hadn't heard about his efforts to help save other soldiers that he didn't even know. I didn't know that his amphibious vehicle was even shown (actual footage) in a movie made about Tarawa. He's been honored a couple of times by the governor, and he definitely deserved it.

My uncle told another story about my grandpa when he was about 80, I think. My uncle saw that my grandpa was covered in some bruises and scratches and was concerned. My grandpa didn't want to tell my uncle what happened. My uncle thought that maybe my grandpa had fallen and wanted to take him to the doctors. Finally, my grandpa said that he had been at Mr. Mac to buy a suit. A kid had approached him with a knife and told him to give him his wallet. Obviously, my uncle was very concerned and wanted to call the police. My grandpa was super opposed to this, and my uncle didn't understand why he wouldn't want to call in the attack. After a while, my grandpa divulged that he had hurt the boy pretty badly, and he probably wouldn't be trying that again.

The service was very nice, and it was great to be with the entire family. Brian and Marinda were even able to fly in. It definitely was unfortunate circumstances, but I do love being with my extended family. I will miss my grandpa, but I'm very grateful for the knowledge that I have that we can all be together again. I'm also very grateful for the legacy that he left and for our family.

Aside from those major events, we have spent a lot of time trying to clean up the yard. We bought a large gazebo and are excited to get it up and get our outdoor dinette set under it, so we can start having barbecues and eating some meals outside. It's a large metal-framed gazebo with tenting and netting. It doesn't have a floor, so we just need to agree upon a base and figure a nice secure way to stake it down since the wind it so ridiculous out here. In the future, Ben (and I) would really like to put a shed in the backyard as well. We've looked at a few and have been pleasantly surprised at the installed pricing. That will probably be next year though. This year, we'll get the gazebo up, we've already fixed up the raised beds in the front yard and have desperately been trying to improve our lawn, we're hoping to get curbing poured, and I'd really like to have shutters put on the front of the house. We'll see how much we can get done.

I've also been working on planning a birthday party for the boys. It will by Miles' 3rd and Conan's 1st. Since Miles is getting a little older and has some friends now, we're going to invite some of his little friends. We'll see how that goes. We're going to have a superhero party, and it should be really fun. Miles is super excited about his Spiderman birthday cake, but I haven't figured out yet how to do a cake for Coney that doesn't have wheat or eggs in it. If you have a great idea, let me know. I think they'll be excited about the surprise guest (Spiderman) coming. We're postponing their birthday party a few weeks because we'll actually be out of town for their birthdays.

We're going to Redfish, Id with Ben's mom and brother's family in a couple weeks, and I couldn't be more excited. I've never been, but Ben's family is constantly talking about Redfish. I love the mountains, and I love lakes, and I love spending time with family, so it should be a perfect fit. It will be fun to see how Miles and Conan enjoy it. I was thinking of getting them (well at least Miles, I may have to find something a little more age appropriate for Coney) little kid fishing poles, so they would have something to open there on their birthdays.

Today, we are focusing on getting everyone healthy. The wind has really stirred up all sorts of weeds and grasses, and the pollen is really getting to the entire family. Actually, I take that back. i really haven't had allergies since my nose surgery. That's not to say I haven't had asthma. It's nice to not have the runny nose and itchy eyes though. We'll see how long it lasts. Miles, of course, it taking it the worst. He was really bad on Thursday and Friday last week, and we were really concerned about how he would be Saturday since that was my grandpa's funeral. Ben took him in to our new Instacare on Friday and was lucky enough to get an asthma specialist as his doctor. He treated him and recommended using Atrovent treatments in his nebulizer (in addition to the Atrovent inhaler he uses for maintenance). He also gave him a couple of doses of Dexamethazone, which I believe is basically a stronger form of Prednisone. Rather than taking it for a week or so like Prelone or Prednisolone, it's a one or two dose thing. It's nice, but it does have a negative side. All steroids make little kids act up a little bit, but this (and Decadron--which I think is basically the same thing) really affects Miles' behavior. It makes him super hyper, super emotional, super irrational, and kind of naughty. He gets really restless and aggressive when he's on this medication, so I apologize for his stinker-pottedness over the past couple of days. He's never a perfect child, but this really does make a huge difference.

I took him in to his pediatrician today, and despite his breathing sounding terrible, his lungs sound pretty clear, so it looks like he's on the mend. We're adding the Atrovent and Zyrtec to his regular regimen. Dr. Ditty recommended that I start Coney on Zyrtec as well. His poor little eyes and nose are all runny, so I'm sure the allergies are going to be super fun with him too. 'Tis the season, I suppose.

I think that pretty much covers things for now.

The Good, the Bad, and the Hacking Cough

Even though there hasn't been too terribly much going on this week, it's still seemed pretty busy. There's been some good, some bad, and a whole lot of asthma.

Let's start with the good, shall we? The week started on Sunday, so I'll start there too. Church was nice. I've got to be honest. I don't remember too much of it though. I do remember that we were about ten minutes late, and it was my fault this time. I remember that we made it almost the entire way through Sunday school before Ben had to take Coney home. 9:00 schedule is really difficult for us because Conan desperately needs a nap by about 10:30, and he cannot fall asleep unless he is in his crib in his bedroom by himself. So, Ben usually has to take him home early. I also remember that we sang one of my favorite songs in RS, "For All the Saints". Of course, that's not surprising because I oversee all the music in RS. It's actually one of the first times I think I've sung the song. It's just one of my favorites to play. I also lead the music and got a little thrown off singing it because the timing of the lyrics is a little strange with the music, and I hadn't really paid any attention to that before. I really had to concentrate on that since I was trying to conduct for a bunch of people who didn't really know the song either.

After church, we headed over to Ben's dad's house to celebrate Cathy's birthday. Unfortunately, Ben had to work, so it was just the boys and me....from our house anyway. The rest of the family was there, and Jenn even brought her mom along since she was visiting for a few days. We had a delicious sloppy joe dinner. Ben absolutely detests sloppy joes, so we never have them. I happen to really like them though. I also added onions to the baked potato casserole since Ben wasn't there, another food that I love that is not welcome in our home. We also had the most delicious chocolate mousse cake that Aubrey brought home from Costco. I'm not usually one for really rich creamy things, but this was divine! After dinner, we just sat around and visited for a couple hours. We also had some fun with Alex's silly photo app on his i-phone. We've got some really great blackmail pictures of just about everyone in the family.

We had another fabulous family dinner last night at Ben's mom's house. We had a little pre-Easter dinner. The kids all ran around and I'm sure destroyed Karri's basement. I purposely didn't go downstairs because I was too afraid to see what my son was doing. Karri kept saying that Miles could do whatever he wanted over there, so I just left him with his cousins. I'm sorry for any destruction, Karri. Miles adores his cousins though and I know was very happy to get to play with them twice this week. The grown ups stayed upstairs, ate and joked. It's so nice to have in-laws that I get along with so well. I know so many people that have in-law horror stories, and I think that I really lucked out because I love spending time with my in-laws. Anyhow, dinner was fantastic! Karri always makes the best food. Ben requested Thai soup, so we had that, along with some super good noodles and chicken wings, all of which I would like the recipes for. So good! And another delectable chocolate dessert. I don't think my waistline can take anymore family dinners.

Unfortunately, for my waist (not my tummy), we have another this coming Sunday. We'll go to my parents' house for Easter. Sadly, Ben's going to miss this one too. It's hard to believe that there are people who really think that they need to manage their investments on Easter Sunday...or Christmas....or New Years.. There are though. Hopefully, the crappy schedule will all change soon. School is over in a month, so Ben won't have to worry about trying to schedule work around that anymore. We'll see. I am excited for Easter though. I love getting together with my family too, and I think that Miles is old enough to get the whole egg hunt thing. Plus, Miles and Conan are getting the cutest outfits ever (and I got a really cute dress too--sorry, Ben, you just get a shirt because you wouldn't go shopping with me).

Now the bad. The worst non-asthma related (we'll get to that later) thing lately is Coney's poopsplosions. Is it normal for nearly every diaper I change to be poopy? Not to be to graphic, but it's not diarrhea either. It's just normal, but there's so much of it! If that weren't crappy (get it?) enough, Coney has learned to take his diaper off himself. Perfect! Without fail, I wake up to a diaperless Conan laying in a very messy bed. Yesterday, I had to change his bed linens twice, once in the morning and once after his nap. It wouldn't be such a problem, but both of my kids get very hot and uncomfortable and hate sleeping in clothes. Plus, Coney is just so fat, and his skin is so bad that onesies really chafe him. I've started just putting shorts on him to sleep in. Hopefully, that kind of takes care of things.

In addition to the poopiness, Conan has also been kind of sick the past couple of days. I think he's just had a cold. He's been really congested and ornery but hasn't been running a fever. It may even just be allergies. The one good thing that has come of this is that he's been sleeping a lot longer. Last night, he went to bed around 10:00 then didn't wake up until about 10:00 this morning. He also took a good 2 1/2 hour nap this afternoon. Good boy.

You probably all know what I mean by "the hacking". We are definitely a family of asthmatics, and that has never been truer than this week. Miles started on Sunday, and I got really bad last night, and neither of us can seem to kick it. Miles has gone through several treatments a day, and I've had 4 in the past 24 hours. Our regular inhalers are doing nothing, and the treatments are only giving positive results for about a half hour. Poor Miles has been doing this for a week and has got to be completely worn out. Not to mention that he's gotten a little staph infection from wiping his nose so much. Poor kid. It's really hard when things aren't going one way or the other. Nothing's improving, but it's not really getting any worse either. The last time this happened, I did end up taking Miles to the hospital but felt a little silly because his oxygen levels weren't too bad, and his breathing wasn't so terrible. That ended up being one of his longest hospital stays though. Everyone assured me (without me letting them know that I needed it) that bringing him in was the right thing to do. When he's not reacting positively to what we're doing at home, it's time for him to go in. Anyway, Ben and I talked, and we've decided to give it one more day. I'm usually a lot more anxious to take him in than Ben is, but Ben agrees that we've waited long enough, and if nothing is working, it's time to let someone else try. Really, we've had a good run. Last year we averaged almost once a month. We haven't been admitted since August though. I think that a lot of that is because Miles has become so grown up when it comes to his health problems. He knows when he needs medicine, and he let's us know. It's hard with little ones because often you don't know that something is really a problem until it's too late to treat it at home. Miles maturity has really helped. What a trooper!

We'll see what tomorrow brings. Last year, Miles was hospitalized with RSV, and was released the day before Easter, but we couldn't participate in any of the festivities because he was still contagious. I'm hoping that we don't have a repeat, but I kind of think that we will. We'll most likely be in the hospital for Easter though. Other than missing dinner (and of course my child being sick enough to be in the hospital) that won't bother me too much. I love Primary, and I've never been in the hospital for a holiday or Sunday before. I secretly kind of want to know what it's like. We've gone home the day before multiple holidays, and I know that they do some pretty fun things for patients on holidays. I'd also like to go to a church service there sometime. Let me repeat that I do not want my child to have to go to the hospital, but we all know that he will sometime, so I just think it might be interesting for it to be over a holiday or Sunday. If he ends up there this year, we'll just do what we did last year and postpone Easter a week. Last year we lucked out, and our next door neighbor (who is also Miles' girlfriend) also had to push the festivities back a week, so we had a hunt together. Who knows though?

Great Things Going Down

It's been a good couple of days. We've had some fun, and we've had some milestones. "Miles"stone number one: We've had a bit of a breakthrough in the potty training department. Very early on, Miles showed a lot of interest in going on the big boy potty. He did a really good job. We could always get him to go whenever we sat him on the potty. He just couldn't figure out how or didn't care to tell us when he needed to go. When it came time to get serious about potty training, though, he had lost any interest he'd ever had. He decided that the "tonet" was "adicalous" and refused to sit on it. When it looked like we might have to do another surgery, I decided to lay off the potty training until we knew for sure. I'd hate to be in the middle of potty training with a Miles with him all tethered to machines in the hospital. Anyway, when we got the clear last week, it was time to go full force with the potty training. Miles was just as unwilling as ever. It's been a huge fight every time we've tried to get him on the potty until yesterday. I don't even really know what happened. I picked up some old school training pants from Walmart and told Miles that he could wear them if he would go on the potty. I didn't expect it to work because it hadn't with any of his cool underpants, but after little discussion he did it. He decided that he didn't want to sit on the big potty on his cushiony football seat like he always had. Instead, he pulled out his old plastic potty chair, that I had only been able to get him to sit on briefly once about a year ago. After a couple of minutes he peed, and he was so proud of himself. He kept the underpants on and peed two more times without any prompting from me. Then he pooped in his little potty, and you would've thought that it was Christmas from his reaction. Good boy. Unfortunately, he yelled about a half hour later to tell me that he'd pooped again. This one was a little concerning because I hadn't been around him at all. I'd put his potty chair in his bedroom while he was watching "Toy Story 3" and while I was making dinner. I was a little nervous to follow the yell.....and for good reason. Yes, Miles had pooped again in his potty, kind of. I'm not going to begin to try to understand how it got there, but half of the poop was on the wall. It was a grizzly mess, and I wouldn't have wished it upon my worst enemy. All is sanitized now though, and I am so glad that we're making some real potty progress. Milestone, or should I say "Coney" stone number two: We got a first word yesterday. And guess what? I win. He said, "mamma". Yay for me! Conan has been scream-babbling for a while now, and Ben and I have been racing to try to get him to say "dadda" and "mamma", respectively. Miles definitely said "daddy" before anything else, so I was determined to get the first word this time. I went in to get him out of his crib, and he was kneeling against the rails, reaching up to me, crying, "mamamama". I'm such a proud mommy. Of course, today, at the zoo, Conan was crying, "dadadada". I got it yesterday though, so it counts. Today, I took Miles and Conan to the zoo. It was the Angel's Hands Foundation Zoo Day. If I haven't explained it before, Angel's Hands is a non-profit that provide support for families of children with rare diseases. They offer financial assistance with medical bills, help with equipment, and organize monthly activities for the whole family, as well as special holiday events. They also provide a lucky family with a trip each year and, like Make-A-Wish, they do some really special things for the child and family when it looks like their time is short. It's a really neat organization, like a big family. It was started in 2001 by the parents of a boy with a rare disease (who passed away in 2002). It's really awesome to see people that are so committed to a cause. The father, Mark Kristensen, knows all of the little "angels", and greets everyone by name. When we went to our first activity (this was only our second), a Grizzlies game, he came up to me at the ticket pickup, reached out his hand and said,"I haven't met you yet, what's your name?" I told him, and he responded with, "Oh, you're the Jackson's, so good to finally meet you." It's such a great group, and I'm really glad that a friend of Alex's introduced us to AHF. Anyway, we went to the zoo today, and not only did we get free admission and snacks, but we got free season passes. It was such an unexpected gift. I'm so grateful and excited about it because now Ben and I can take the boys whenever. Sadly, most of the AHF activities are on Saturdays, so Ben isn't able to attend. This is something that will be great that our family can do during the week, and we won't have to feel like we're wasting money when we can't make it more than an hour and a half with the boys because we have a season pass. The pass made me so happy, and I really thought about it the whole way home. I thought of all the families that these parents have helped so much. It's such a special thing for these sick little kids to have activities with other little kids that have to go through similar things, but I think even more wonderful is that this charity includes the whole family. They recognize that it's not just the child with the disease that needs the fun. Sometimes when a sick child requires so much attention, their siblings might feel a little neglected. This organization is for them too. Next month we're having a kite day, and in June there is a golf tournament. They also do the big classic car show at Murray Park, and there's something called a friend-raiser in September. I'm really excited to get more involved and for Miles to make friends with some of the little kids. I'm really impressed with all that the Kristensens have accomplished, and it makes me want to do my part. Because I've seen first hand what they do, I know that it requires a whole lot. I'm going to do my best to volunteer when I can and encourage other people to get to know this worthy organization. You should all check out http://www.angelshands.org/. There are all sorts of opportunities available. BTW, if anyone would like to golf in or sponsor a golfer for the tournament, I've got a registration form. For now, since I'm just getting started with AHF, I'm doing service projects for PCMC. Another incredible group! I love them so much, but I know that they depend so much on the charity of the community. I get FB updates from them, and the other day, it said that they were in need of blankets to fit the mattresses in the NICU. They just need simple square flannel blankets, so I re posted on FB telling any of my friends who were interested that I'd take them in if they wanted to make some. Now it's turned into a Relief Society service project, and I'm so excited to be doing it. I've also decided that I'm going to make some medical dolls and gowns that they give some of their patients. It will fill my need for craftiness without filling my house with more useless crap. Plus, I'll be doing something good for a hospital that does so much good for others (our family included). If anyone would like to join me, let me know, and I'll get you the pattern. Anyway, great couple of days. Major decrease in diapers. Baby knows my name, kind of. And my faith in humanity is renewed.

All is Well

Sorry for the delay. I know I agreed to post something after Miles' appointment on Friday, but we've been really busy. So, now it's time to get down to business. As I mentioned, Miles finally had his echo on Friday. It was a long wait, and we were very anxious to have it done. We had kind of a hard morning because since Miles had to be fully sedated for the echo, he had to fast until he was sedated to avoid aspiration. Miles' appointment was at 1:00 pm. He could have no solids after 7:00 am and could have only clear liquids (more specifically only water, apple juice, Sprite or Pedialite-only in liquid form, no popsicles) until 11:00 am and nothing after that. It was especially difficult because Miles really will not drink any of the allowable liquids, even the Sprite. My dear son has a sophisticated palate, so the only soda he likes to drink is mommy Coke (Diet Coke) or, on a rare occasion, daddy Coke (regular Coke). Of course, he was particularly hungry Friday morning, and it is not the easiest thing to explain to a 2 year old that he has to fast until after his echo. Poor little Miles. We got to the hospital a little before noon to check in at cardiology. A nurse took a quick listen then we sat alone in an exam room for what seemed like forever until sedation finally came down. We answered a long list of questions to be sure that it would be safe for Miles to be sedated, and I guess we passed because they took us into the echo lab. Miles was such a big boy while they administered his iv and didn't cry at all. He's had lots of practice. They injected him with 3 different medications to sedate him, and he was quickly out. It's always a little sad (but almost funny at the same time) because when he's sedated, while he is "out", he doesn't fall asleep right away. He definitely goes pretty limp, and his eyes get really spacey, but they stay open. After the first couple of echos, I've learned that I really can't do anything or tell anything from the active echo to necessitate me staying in the room. It's basically sitting in a tight, dark quiet space for an hour. You just try to stay awake. This time Ben and I decided to run to the cafe and get lunch. In an effort to not be cruel to my little guy, we hadn't eaten anything either. Plus, we just really like the cafeteria at PCMC. It was a speedy rushed lunch, then back to the cramped echo room. We waited and chatted with some techs for about another 20 minutes, and then it was finished. We headed up to the recovery room, and it was a pretty lengthy wait until the sedation wore off. The last time Miles had a sedated echo, he was awake by the time that we got to the recovery room. Not this time. I think that it was probably a combination of the sedatives and a sleepy Miles, but we were there at least 2 hours before Miles really even stirred. We watched a few people come and go while we were there. One was a teenage boy that I guess had had some sort of accident while playing soccer and was recovering from nose surgery. Nothing of consequence right now, but I'll come back to it. Miles finally woke up, watched a little tv and drank some Sprite (reluctantly), so we could leave. We went back down to cardiology to touch base with Dr. Puchalski. Believe it or not, the echo was normal. He said that Miles heart, including his Mitral Valve, looked great. I mean, that wouldn't be in comparison to the average person's heart, but it looked great compared to what he had expected to see. Nothing looked like it had worsened since the surgery. Good news, right? Right. Then, why do I have such mixed feelings about the result? I'll tell you. I am so glad that we will not have to have another surgery in the immediate future. Miles won't have to have the limitations that come with valve problems, and we won't have to cancel or postpone any of our fun family plans that we have for this summer, and that is a big relief. What's the problem then? No answers. We still have the same respiratory problems that we had before and no foreseeable solution. Additionally, given Miles' disease, things are going to get worse at some point. It would be really great to catch heart failure at a regular appointment rather than have an emergency. I know some things to watch for. I've read a lot, but so many signs of heart failure are very normal things, things such as excessive sweating, night coughing and decreased appetite, things that I see in Miles on a regular basis. So, how do I know if it's normal, like I guess right now, or not? I'm just really afraid of missing something. It would be really great to just get it fixed, so I wouldn't have to worry about every little thing. Luckily, I have a great pediatrician who is just as anxious about any problems Miles has as I am, so he doesn't get too annoyed when I bring Miles in for a runny nose. Anyway, that's my problem, so I apologize if I'm not as super excited about the results as you would think I should be. I am happy. I really am. I'm going to return to the boy from the recovery room now. I think I mentioned before that I'm going to have nose surgery next month. No, I'm not getting a nose job. I'm just getting it fixed, so I can breathe like normal people. I scheduled the surgery for Ben's day off for obvious reasons, but I didn't really think any further until I saw that boy. He had a big white bandage over his nose. Seems pretty normal, but I hadn't thought much of it. Now, I can just see that as a target for Conan. Yikes! I have a super sensitive nose anyway. I can only imagine how bad a little hand or a big giant head to my packed nose will be. My surgery is on Friday, and unfortunately, Ben works for the four days following the surgery. Anyone want to very cute little boys for the weekend? I'll have to get this all figured out.

Another Month Full of Doctor's Visits

It's been a busy month as far as medical visits are concerned, and we still have quite a few scheduled that we have yet to attend. We've all been sick here and there, but the majority of the appointments have just been check-ups and those visits for the little things that have been bothering you for a long time but you just procrastinate scheduling. Yesterday was Conan's 9 month well-child check-up. I love those because I always forget that there are no co-pays for preventative visits, so it's like a special treat when I get reminded at the window. When I got Coney undressed, everybody commented on what a big chubby boy he was, and he is. Surprisingly, he was only in the 25% for weight and 10% for height. Still, he is 2 1/2 times as fat as tall, but he just seems so much bigger to me. When compared to other babies his age, he doesn't seem small to me. In fact, when Dr. Ditty saw the numbers, he first thought a mistake was made, but the measurements were right. He's just short and round. Everything looks good for Coney. We still have to keep on top of his eczema and have to pay attention to what food we give him because of his allergies, but all in all, he is healthy. Fat and healthy. Conan's motor skills seemed to be a little behind what I remember Miles' being at that time, but he's finally starting to do stuff. He doesn't crawl, but he's rolling all over the place. I know if I put him on a bed at all, he'll just be on the floor within a couple of minutes. He's also started pulling himself up on his knees. I usually find him up on his knees, peeking over the edge of his crib, after his naps or in the morning. It's very cute. He's not too in to standing, but I'm hoping that the kneeling will turn into him standing while holding onto something. That's always a nice ability to have while in church. Just let him stand on the bench and let the people behind us entertain him. :) Conan's also gotten pretty good with his hands the past week or so. He loves to sit on the floor of his bedroom and play with toys. And he loves finding whatever he can reach and stick it in his mouth. That's a pretty awful thing most of the time, but it is nice that he can feed himself snacks. Now, I just have to find some snacks that he's not allergic to. So, me, I'm pretty much just falling apart. Seriously, you would think I was 65. I went in to the doctor last week to talk to him about some knee problems that I've been having. He asked if I'd injured my knee. I said no. He asked if I was athletic or if I did a lot of sports when I was younger. I laughed and then said no. I just have unexplained pain in my right knee. It's intermittent and seems to get worse when it's stormy. When it hurts, it's sometime bad enough that I basically can't use my stairs. My doctor told me that I sounded like an old person. Yes. Yes, I do. He checked my ligaments, and they were good, so he did some lab work and referred me to an orthopedic. I went to the orthopedic, and they started with some x-rays. The doctor (who may I add was probably younger than I--that feels weird) brought the x-ray in and explained the problem, that was pretty evident on the film. Apparently, my right knee cap doesn't fit into the joint correctly. It's kind of off to the side. He said that this happens sometimes when a person has stronger muscles on the outside of the leg but the inside is weaker. Anyway, for now, all I need to do is take some anti-inflammatory medication when needed and go the physical therapy. I go on Thursday, I think. It's not something that I have to do regularly, just once or twice to learn some exercises to help remedy my situation. Hopefully, that's all it will take. If that doesn't do it, then they'll try some injections, and if that still doesn't take care of it, then they'd do surgery, but it's really unlikely that would ever be necessary. That was old person issue number one. I went to take care of number two today. In my old age, my snoring has gotten a little out of hand, and I'm not getting a good sleep, and Ben's not getting any sleep. I went to get checked out by the ENT today to see if there was something I could do. I thought that I'd maybe need my tonsils or adenoids removed, but the ENT said that they didn't look quite bad enough to necessitate removal. However, he said that my nasal septum is super super crooked, so much so that he didn't suggest surgery, he just started telling me what would happen during the surgery that he was going to do. So, I'll have that done, I think it's the first Friday in May. I don't think it's too big of a deal. The surgery itself takes about a half hour, but I do have to be totally put out for it, and I'm not sure what recovery is like. Dr. Ventura said that he usually splints the nose after surgery and packs it, and apparently, that's a pretty unpleasant thing. The receptionist that scheduled me asked if I'd prefer morning or afternoon for my follow-up the Monday following the surgery. Before I could answer, she told me that usually, even if people scheduled for afternoon, they'd call and see if they could get in earlier because the packing was so uncomfortable, so that sounds like all sorts of fun. I'm sure it will be just fine. The only concern that I have is that my nose will look different afterward. Dr. Ventura said that it shouldn't affect the shape of my nose, and I really hope that it doesn't because that is the one part of my body that I don't want to change the appearance of. I am super excited to not snore though. I was told that the first thing that people say after this surgery is how much better their sleep is afterward. Oh, how I look forward to that! While I was there, I mentioned to him that my hearing was starting to not be the best, old person issue number three. It's not anything too concerning, but I do have a little bit of a hard time focusing on a sound when there is a lot of background noise. I'm doing a lot of, "What was that?" and "Say that again". It's especially bad in the car, and I know that it really annoys Ben. He hates repeating himself. I've also been hearing a lot of ringing in my ears. I know that that isn't a normal thing, but I hadn't even thought about it until the doctor asked if I'd had ringing. Anyway, Ben and I both thought that I should just go in because I probably needed to have my ear canals cleaned out. No such luck. Dr. Ventura said that they are completely clear, so he's having me go in to the audiologist next week for some testing. In the meantime, I'm trying to pay attention to sounds and see if one ear hears better than the other. It really is getting annoying, but maybe this is just what happens the older you get. Lastly, I have to make an appointment with the optometrist. While I was sitting in the waiting room for Coney's appointment, I was grabbed a magazine to read. I opened it, and I honestly could not read it at all. It was like the words were jumping off the page. It was so weird. I felt like I had 3-d glasses on, and I still kind of do while I'm typing this. I think I haven't noticed how bad my eyes have gotten because I honestly never read. I may actually start having to wear my glasses. It's probably about time we all had eye appointments. I think it's been over a year anyway. Ben's been kind of sick lately too, but he hates to discuss his health issues, so I don't know if he's sick or good or what. He does have a doctor's appointment next week though, so he must need some sort of doctor's assistance, but I will leave it at that since I know nothing. The big appointment is a week from Friday. That is Miles' echo. I've been killing myself with "what ifs" for the past 3 weeks, and I honestly don't know if I can make it another week and a half. I will make a serious effort though. I've been noticing Miles' symptoms a lot since his cardiology appointment, and it seems like everywhere I go heart failure is popping out at me. Whether it be a random article or commercial or billboard, I'm noticing little things everywhere. I was even at a Relief Society enrichment night the other week, and my friend gave a lesson that included a faith-promoting story about a valve replacement. I keep running into checklists and "5 signs of heart failure", and I hate that I can relate all of those checkpoints and signs to Miles. Right now, I just expect that he is suffering from Mitral Valve Stenosis or Prolapse or Regurgitation. I don't know what I'll do with myself if the echo turns out normal. Until that happens, I'll probably just keep researching valve repair and replacement, reading about how to prepare a child for a major surgery, making lists in my head to plan for potential time in the hospital and get teary-eyed thinking about all the things that might be wrong. Oh, curse you neurotic mind and excessive emotions. I don't know if I'll really have anything to post for the next week, but definitely stay tuned for the echo update.

And We're Still Going

I just sat down in bed to relax for the first time today, and I thought to myself, "I don't remember waking up this morning." Then I realized why. I didn't go to sleep last night. True story. Ben went in to work some overtime late last night. I opened the computer right after he left, a little before eleven and saw the breaking news of the earthquake in Japan. I thought that the report of 8.9 must have been a mistake because I had been watching tv, and their hadn't been any news interruptions. The local news had just ended, so I turned to CNN and became glued to the tv. What a horrific thing! My heart aches for all of those who are affected by the earthquakes and tsunamis. I am amazed though at how little damage was done in Tokyo (all things considered) and at how prepared they were. I definitely think that we could all learn a lesson from the Japanese.

I watched CNN until Ben got home at 4am. We watched a little more together then watched the entire recorded Thursday night lineup. By the time that was all over, it was morning and kids were awake.

After a very noisy night, Miles seems to be doing well. Coney is still really congested though, so I decided I better take him in. If Miles had strep, I at least wanted to get Coney tested, so he could get on antibiotics if necessary. For once, the symptoms did not disappear the second that I walked into the doctor's office. In fact, Conan hadn't had a fever until we got to the doctor's office. Plus, he had a hacking cough to prove his sickness with. After Dr. Ditty examined him and did some tests, he determined that Conan does not have either strep or pneumonia like brother. He has an upper respiratory infection. Unfortunately, there's not too much to do for that. They did give Coney his first breathing treatment. He's had albuterol via inhaler, but this was his first, first-hand experience with a nebulizer. He was actually really good at it. They didn't use the mask. Rather, I think the goal was just the blow by method. That's basically just the adult method with the far end of the tubing plugged. Conan held the percolator himself and even kept the mouthpiece in his mouth. What a smart baby! The treatment did improve things immediately. He's asleep now though, and he's not sounding so good. When he wakes up maybe I'll try another treatment.

As I was about to leave the doctor's office, Dr. Ditty said, "Hey, you have my cell phone number, don't you?" I didn't know that mom's could have doctors' cell phone numbers. That sounds like the best day ever for me and a giant mistake for Dr. Ditty. I'm already paranoid about my children's' health. Now I have their doctor at my disposal all the time. Just kidding. I'll be nice. I think that he made sure that I had it since we're going into the weekend, and I think that he knows that I don't feel entirely comfortable with other doctors that aren't well-versed in my children's' health problems. He knows what it up, and he knows that we've been burned by doctors that just don't get it. Anyway, he told me to give him a call if things get worse with either baby. And "tell Miles hi for me". What a nice guy.

Well, I think it's time for me to finally go to sleep. It's been a while.

I have to remind myself all the time that my child is not the only one with serious health problems. I get so frustrated when his issues don't take top priority because I feel like they should. Deep inside, I think that I do feel like he'll be just fine waiting the four weeks, but I just don't feel like he should have to. I can't stop wondering about it, and I just want it done. Man, this is going to be a really long four weeks. I really need something else to concentrate my thoughts on.

I had a pretty strange experience today. Actually, I don't know if strange is the right word. Let's just say it was probably really beneficial for all involved that I was in a good mood otherwise because it had the potential to be a completely maddening experience. After days of argument, I finally conceded and agreed to take Ben's car in to get inspected and registered. The registration had expired in February. Even though they charge more, I took it to Jiffy Lube because they can actually print the stickers on site, and I just wanted to get it all done. I had some errands to run inside of Walmart, and they share a parking lot with Jiffy Lube, so I just dropped the car off and walked over. I had some business to do at my bank, which is inside of Walmart. I used to work at that bank, so I also took the time to visit with one of my friends who is still there. Then I picked up a few things for craft night. I wasn't there long, but I did take my time. When I got back to Jiffy Lube, I paid for the service and somehow got into a conversation with one of the guys about a tattoo that the drummer for Motley Crue (which would be Tommy Lee, and that seems a little odd) for a few minutes, but that really has nothing to do with the story other than to take time. When it was time to leave, a guy pointed to some keys as if to ask, "these yours?" I nodded my head no. He pointed to another. Another nod, no. Not good. Those were the only two sets of keys there. Everyone kind of got a weird look on their faces, and one guy said, "Well, maybe Dustin left them in the car. Why don't you go check." That didn't sound very reassuring. Why didn't they just ask Dustin what he did with them? I'll tell you why--because Dustin went home. To West Jordan. Of course, my keys were not in my car because they were in Dustin's pocket. At home. In West Jordan. Just a reminder, I live in Tooele. That's 45 mins. away, on a good day. They called Dustin and told him to get back. I called Ben to bring me another set of keys, so I wouldn't have to wait. I'm sure that he wasn't thrilled since he was at home with two, undressed, sleeping, sick children. Surprisingly, Dustin pulled into the parking lot just before Ben did. Also, surprisingly....or maybe not, he offered no apology or even the decency of delivering the keys to me himself. I did, however, get a free oil change for a future visit. I guess that's something.

Not Too Much New Today

Things are moving along as normal. I think that everyone is about where I would have expected them to be after yesterday. Miles has been playing all day but sounds like a freight truck right now as he sleeps. It sounds so painful. I feel bad for him. Conan has been a little irritable and has had some pretty bad diarrhea. And my head still feels like it's going to explode. Yeah, I think we're right where we should be.

Unfortunately, pulling mommy rank didn't work. I thought that maybe if I pestered cardiology enough with my concern about the four week wait for Miles' echo, we'd get it moved up a bit. Worked with his surgery. Sadly, the call back that I got today was to tell me that the 4 week wait after having pneumonia could not be negotiated. For safety reasons, sedation will not budge on this one, and Dr. Puchalski said that the wait would be just fine. Nuts! (that's what I'm going to go over the next month)

Hopefully, we're all in a little better health tomorrow. My house is a disaster since I haven't done a thing the past two days. I predict that Miles and I might be improved, Conan will probably be a little worse and Ben will begin his sickness. Let's see how clairvoyant I am, shall we?

Part 2

Just wanted to let you all know that Conan just showered me (literally every inch of body) and his bedroom carpet in vomit. And I just cried a little bit because I want brownies, and I only have one egg. It's a good day. Good day...

One Day Without Sickness Would be Awesome

Seriously!? We can't have just one day? I always get a little leery when things seem to fall into place too easily. Call me a pessimist, but I always assume that something will happen to debunk just about anything that I get too excited for. Now I'm not saying that I was excited for Miles' echo, but I was looking forward to the possibility of answers. And the sooner the better. Getting in same week is not something that is easy to do, and I even got a time that Ben could join us without taking time off work, almost unheard of. Of course it was because it's not going to happen now.

I had a feeling when Miles was acting so staid during his cardiology appointment yesterday that something was up. I chalked it up to the early hour (we had to be there at 8:15am), and put it in the back of my mind. When we returned home at about 1:00 yesterday afternoon, Miles went straight to bed. While he slept, his breathing quicken, he became very hot and his heart was beating rapidly, which doesn't necessarily mean anything for Miles, but I could tell he was sick. Every hour or so I'd take his temperature. It generally read between 100 and 102 but did get up to 104 in the middle of the night, so I took him into his doctor late this morning. Miles seemed much better, but I wanted to do everything possible to make sure that we kept our appointment on Thursday.

At first, Dr. Ditty thought that it was nothing serious. He'd seen a ton of flu, so he did a swab (it was negative). He started listening to his lungs and immediately said, "His lungs are sounding great." He spoke a little too soon though because when he changed the position of his stethoscope his face kind of changed, and he said, "Uh oh, I'm hearing rattling in his upper right (weird, it's usually the left) lung. I think he's got pneumonia." So, we headed over to radiology and got a quick x-ray. When we returned, Dr. Ditty was actually gone to his own doctor's appointment, so Dr. Haroutunian (the chief of medicine at the hospital out here--not saying much-- and Miles' actual pediatrician--don't love him though) took a quick look at Miles and the x-ray results. According to him, he didn't think that there was any indication of pneumonia, but he was concerned with how high Miles temperature had gotten. He decided to run a strep test, despite there being no really strong indications, but it was a good thing because it came back positive.

I was concerned about this because since Miles is a little kid that like to squirm around, he has to be completely put under for echocardiograms. There are certain medications that have to be avoided when being sedated and in general, you can't be sick. I talked to Dr. H about this, and he said that there shouldn't be any issue with the antibiotics, and that in his opinion, unless his symptoms weren't improving, he'd be just fine to keep the echo appointment for Thursday. I had talked to sedation this morning, and I told them that I would call after his appointment to let them know if we needed to reschedule. I explained that Miles was being treated for strep, but he'd have been on antibiotics for more than 48 hours by the appointment. They told me that as long as he was breathing okay and wasn't too congested, he should be okay to continue with the echo. There would, of course, always be the possibility that after the doctor administering the sedative examined him, that he could be sent home. I was willing to take that risk.

So, I gave Miles his amoxycilin, fed him some lunch (since he's eaten almost nothing in the past 24 hours and has lost 2 lbs. in the past week) and he went back to bed. Unfortunately, just as Ben was leaving for work I got a call. "Hey, Stephanie, it's Bryan..." Who? What Bryan do I know with a 435 number? Ah, crap! It's Dr. Ditty. "Hey, I just spoke with radiology, and they did read the x-rays as pneumonia. I talked to Dr. H, and he hadn't heard the rattling when he listened to miles, but Ii definitely did, and radiologist read pneumonitis and pneumonia in the upper right lung where I heard it. The antibiotic that he prescribed for the strep should take care of it. I'm sorry, but you really need to call Primary's and reschedule that echo." And this is why I don't trust good easy things...

I called sedation back and spoke with the same woman that I had originally spoken with early this morning. She was very nice and sympathetic, but she did assure me that I would definitely have to reschedule. Not only that. Protocol dictates that I have to wait 4 weeks following the disappearance of symptoms. A month. We have to wait another month. I can't be thinking about this for a month. Sedation transferred me to cardiology to set the new appointment, and we scheduled it for April 8th. I asked the receptionist to please leave a note for Dr. Puchalski about the situation because I was under the impression that this was something that he wanted done soon.

When Miles went to the hospital unexpectedly for breathing difficulties prior to his surgery, we ran into the same problem. They wanted us to wait at least 6 weeks before they would do the surgery following his discharge. The problem was his surgery was scheduled for 3 days later. I was super upset about the idea of waiting another month and a half, especially because Dr. Puchalsi had said at the initial diagnosis, "Your son has pretty serious heart disease and is going to require heart surgery within a couple of weeks." We had already waited a couple of weeks. I didn't know if we even could wait another 6. I called cardiology and explained the dilemma. Dr. Puchalski wasn't in, but i was so impressed that another cadiologist called me back, himself within about a half hour. He sat on the phone with me for a good 15 minutes. He told me that he had reviewed Miles' charts, as well as all of the notes from his hospital stay. He told me that he could find no reason to delay the surgery 6 weeks, that he had already spoken to anesthesiology, and we'd be able to go ahead with the surgery in a week and a half. That is why I love Primary Children's. Miles wasn't even his patient, but this doctor took the time to thoroughly review his case, call me and spend considerable time talking to me then pull strings to accommodate us.

I'm hoping that if Dr. Puchalski knows about what is going on, maybe he'll so something similar. I don't know though. Maybe the immediacy of this echo isn't nearly as important as I feel like it is. Maybe 4 weeks is just fine. What I really wish would happen is that Dr. Puchalski would see that Miles has pneumonia and have us come in right now, so he could examine him, himself. If Miles really does have mitral valve stenosis, I think that he is frequently misdiagnosed with pneumonia (or it's the cause) because fluid is seen in the lungs, when it's actually blood that is leaking in. I guess the problem this time is that it's in the wrong lung. Anyway, I have more than doubts that that will ever happen. I think, more likely, we will wait 4 weeks, and have the echo.....assuming that he is not sick again in 4 weeks. And that's a pretty big assumption.

This is all so frustrating and discouraging. i just want one day of healthiness and maybe a few answers. I'm so tired. Plus, what is wrong with my family? I'm just going to assume, now, that anytime anyone is sick, among whatever other ailment, they have strep. The other week Coney had strep and influenza. Right now miles has strep and pneumonia. When I was little I had strep and the chicken pox, then when I was a little older, I had strep and pneumonia (which made me miss the auditions for my school play which ruined the rest of the year). Can't we just all have something removed or something, so we don't keep getting strep? Maybe we could have antibiotics added to our drinking water? I don't know, but this is getting ridiculous, and I just know that I'm going to wake up with a sore throat tomorrow.

Annual Cardiology Appointment

We made our long awaited, about a year, trip to the cardiologist today. We got up bright and shiny to make our 8:30am appointment. I think that scheduling that early is just cruel. Luckily, we had to go to my parents' house yesterday for Tami and my mom's birthday dinner, so the kids and I just stayed over. It also worked out nicely because then my mom could come to the appointment too and wrangle Conan while I attempted to listen to the doctor.



Everything was pretty standard. The nurse started by taking his blood pressure, which as always, took a few tries. It was about where it should have been though. The numbers were about reversed from pre-surgery, so that's good, I guess. She did a quick EKG, and I have no idea what it said, but nobody said anything about it, so I guess that's also good.



Dr. Puchalski came in, and the first thing out of his mouth was, "So what's up with all of the asthma?" I don't know. He has asthma. Then, "All the times you were hospitalized, where was that?" Well, all but one time, we were at Primary. I always made sure to tell the treating doctors about Miles' situation, and they always had said that they would inform cardiology. Dr. Puchalski said that what most likely happened was that they would send a note to inform that a patient was admitted for something unrelated but was doing well, so it probably would never make it to him. I will make sure that in the future I let them know that Miles' cadiologist has requested to notified with details that Miles is there. I think that on both my part and the hospital's part, we've probably been a little more concerned about notifying the pulmonologist rather than the cardiologist since it is breathing problems that he's always admitted for.

Anyhow, Dr. Puchalski does think that the breathing difficulties could be related to the Shone's syndrome. In his words, "Lightning does strike twice," meaning, I think, that having unrelated breathing problems could be a second strike. He continued to basically say that he wasn't going to ignore something that could very possibly be a real problem. He said that he definitely thought that we needed to do an echocardiogram, so that he could look at things.

He listened to Miles thoroughly and said that his heart SOUNDED great. Where his coarc was repaired, it sounded just as it should. His murmur sounded just as expected. However, he said that, even then, he could hear Miles wheezing in both front and in back. I've learned something throughout this that I had never realized having asthma myself. Asthma has a very specific wheez. It has something to do with the inhalation or exhalation. I wish I could remember exactly. The point is, Miles does have that, meaning that he does have asthma. He has more though that goes along with it that is not asthma. That's what we've been working with the pulmonologist and ent dept to try to figure out. I think that was what Dr. Puchalski was referring to when he said that.

Shone's Syndrome is characterized by 4 or more abnormalities, basically blockages in the left side of the heart. We've already taken care of the aortic coarctation (narrowing of the aorta--massive, massive narrowing in Miles' case). There were some slight abnormalities with his mitral valve (the valve that separates the left atrium from the left ventricle), but they were very minute. It is Dr. Puchalski's thinking that, if I understand correctly, that the mitral valve is not functioning properly, thickening and not allowing the blood to flow out of the upper left chamber of the heart. The blood gets backed up and leaks into the left lung causing it to be inflamed. I believe that what he was describing is mitral valve stenosis, but I don't remember him actually using that phrase. I have a hard time really concentrating on what the doctor's saying though, so he may have. I did go out and buy a couple of planners this afternoon, so I can record instructions for both of the babies. Believe it or not, this all makes a lot of sense to me (assuming that I interpreted things correctly). Doctor's always think that Miles has pneumonia because his left lungs rattles constantly. When he is given x-rays, his left lung always shows slightly cloudy but doesn't really show pneumonia. To date, the thought was that an underdeveloped swallow reflex was allowing liquid into his lungs, and that would inflame them. I think that this scenario makes much more sense. I've always felt like his breathing problems were related to his heart problems, and it's kind of nice to have that validated.......even though it pretty much sucks at the same time.

What Dr. Puchalski was describing wouldn't really be able to be heard through a stethoscope, so, as before mentioned, he ordered an echocardiogram, so he could actually look at his mitral valve. He said that he may even go as far as to order a cardiac catheter. I interpret that to mean, "if I cannot see what I assume is causing the problem with the echo, we'll do a cath to really make sure it's not happening". He sounds pretty serious about this all.

Dr. Puchalski did not give any idea of possible treatment. I think that that was probably intentional since we don't know if this is even a problem yet. Why worry about something prematurely. I would assume that if this is the problem, depending upon the severity, another heart surgery would be in order. I think in mild cases, this is treated with medication, but from what I've read, that's typically in adults. I don't know about small children. I think it would be more likely, that they would try to do a valve repair or replacement. Again, I have absolutely no idea. This is all just speculation.

Of course I always have concern for my baby, but right now, I feel pretty positive about everything. I do not doubt that this may be partially to blame for Miles' respiratory problems, but in a way, I think that that's a good thing. We've expected, from the beginning, that Miles' heart problems would worsen, requiring more surgeries. It's hard playing the waiting game. I would rather something be found now, at a regular cardiology visit, than have something terrible and unexpected happen in the future because I didn't realize that things were getting worse. So, I look at it this way: either Miles is suffering from mitral valve stenosis, we'll do what we can to correct it and his breathing improves-- or his mitral valve is fine, and we won't have to have surgery right away. Win. Win.

We'll know more on Thursday. We're taking Miles in for a sedated echo (echocardiogram with full sedation is pretty typical for little guys that can't hold still) at 2:30. I was instructed to make sure that Dr. Puchalski was there, so he could review the results and talk to us about further testing or treatment or whatever. I will try to get some blogging in that night, but I'm not promising anything. That's a pretty late appointment, and those things are so stinking long and tiring. I may just not feel like doing it. I'll get it in there sometime though, so stay tuned......

A Trip, or Two to the Allergist

Last month was the month of a million doctor's visits. Well, it's the second week of February, and we just had our first appointment yesterday......I think. Actually, this appointment was supposed to be in January too. Conan was supposed to have his appointment with the allergist on the same day that Miles had his at the end of January, but on the day of the visit, he had both strep throat and influenza, so we rescheduled.

Miles' meeting with the allergist went really well. He had already been tested for environmental allergens such as animal dander, pollen, dust, mold, etc. a couple of hospital stays ago. And, of course, he tested positive for everything, with dust and cats at the top of the list. I wanted to rule out any possible food allergies, so I got a referral for him at the same time that Conan was referred. Surprisingly, but not too surprisingly, he did not test positive for any food allergies. Nice! However, Dr. Moffat was pretty concerned about Miles' asthma history. Luckily, he's networked with Primary, so he had all of the Dr.'s notes from hospital visits, and he knows Dr. Uchida, Miles' pulmonologist well, so he had already discussed a potential routine to try to improve things. I really appreciated that he'd already done his research before I got there. When he listened to Miles' lungs, he was a little concerned about what he heard on his left side (and this was a healthy day), so he actually sent us down the hall for a chest x-ray. It ended up being okay. Miles just has a constant rattle in his left lung. At the end of the visit, Dr. Moffat didn't have the most encouraging words. He said something to the effect of, "His x-ray looked just fine. I don't think he has any pneumonia". I said, "Oh, good". Then he continued, "but I you need to understand that this is not good". He basically said that we'd do what we need to do to get the asthma under control, but it would take a long time, and it wasn't going to be easy. Fantastic parting words. He ended up increasing his maintenance meds even more and putting him back on Prednisolone. I've actually already seen an improvement, so hopefully, we'll be able to ween him from some of the steroids. I'm actually not sure where I'm supposed to go from here. Dr. Moffat wanted me to make a follow up with the pulmonologist if Miles' night coughing hadn't stopped within 10 days. It pretty much has, so I'm not sure if and if so, with who I am supposed to follow up with. Probably should've asked Dr. Moffat yesterday, huh?

Which brings us to Conan's appointment. Even though Conan is very young, Dr. Ditty wanted him to see an allergist because 1: just look at our family history 2: he does get a little wheezy now and then & 3: he's got super horrific eczema that we are having a hard time controlling, and eczema usually=allergies. He was tested for both environmental and food allergens. Actually surprisingly, Conan tested negative for all environmental allergens. Dr. Moffat did kind of burst that bubble by telling me that those results would most likely change in about 6 months, he's just really young right now. That would make sense. Miles didn't really react to anything until he was about one. Unlike Miles, Conan did test positive for some food allergens. Eggs and peanuts were the big ones, with a more mild allergy to wheat, carrots, and green beans. There may be more, but with the food they only tested the foods they always test (milk, soy, eggs, wheat, peanuts) and foods he's been exposed to. For now, I have to exclude those foods entirely from his diet. Not too hard since he's just a baby and doesn't eat much anyway, but I do have to read labels, because as I was told, "you'll be surprised at what has eggs and wheat in it". I won't be surprised at what has wheat in it because I was on a wheat free diet all through elementary school. An interesting bit of information: Twizzlers have wheat in them. It did pose a little bit of a problem today. I was at the store looking for something to make for a fun Valentine's meal. Although Conan can't eat a lot, he has gotten used to our crumbs. I wanted to at least find a dessert that he could have some of too. It seems like everything that is wheat-free has eggs in it. I finally came up with maybe a fruit pie with a crust made with rice or oat flour. We'll see. There's got to be something easier and more obvious than that. Anyhow, I'm supposed to introduce a new food to Conan about every 3 days and watch to see if it affects him negatively at all. Today was squash. Hopefully, it works out because Conan really seemed to like it.

In addition to the food stuff, we were put on a strict skin regimen. Poor Coney's skin is so bad. While I was getting him ready to go yesterday. I looked down to see blood just streaming out of his arm. It was just from him scratching an itchy patch. Every morning he wakes up with new cuts on his face where he's clawed himself in his sleep. So far, nothing has really seemed to provide anything other than immediate relief. So, here's our new routine: 1. soak Conan in a lukewarm bath (without actually bathing him) for 20 minutes, including a moist towel on his face for 20 minutes 2. lightly pat dry 3. immediately rub in one steroid cream from the neck down, focusing on particularly bad spots 4. rub in second steroid cream from the neck up 5. immediately following steroid creams, coat his entire body with a heavy moisturizer cream (Eucerin) 6. spot treat bad spots a second, possibly a third time during the day 7. take an oral medication at bed time to prevent itchiness. It's a lot to begin with, but it's all to get the eczema under control, then we'll cut back.

Lastly, Conan does get his own inhaler. Although, the doctor thought that his lungs sounded fine while we were at the office, based on our family history and what I had told him about what we sometimes hear from Conan, he thought it prudent to send us off with an inhaler. Next time we hear any breathing difficulty, we'll give him the inhaler and see how he responds to it. We are returning in about a week and a half to see how things have progressed. I suppose we'll see.

I posted something about Conan's allergies on facebook today, and I had a friend respond by telling me that she was impressed that I was able to stay positive. I had to tell her that I really wasn't positive about it all on purpose. (and I probably don't sound positive at all in this blog since it's kind of the medical update blog) Honestly, at this point, I just can't help but laugh every time we go to the doctor (barring any major ailment, of course). After Miles' diagnosis and surgery, nothing really seems like too big of a deal. And everything now is just another thing on the list. It's probably not very nice to our poor kids, but Ben and I really do chuckle each time something new is added. In regards to our unhealthy genes, I think it was Karri that referred to us as the "perfect storm". Yes, we have doomed our children. Sorry Miles and Conan, that's the price you have to pay for having such awesome parents. Ha. Ha. (especially since we parents are paying all those $prices$ right now)

On to something completely unrelated. While driving home from the pharmacy today, I compiled a list in my head of some recent pet peeves. I think I'll share, quashing anybody's assumption that I am a positive person.

1. people who wait for parking spaces--It doesn't matter if I am the person that is stuck behind you for ten minutes while you wait for someone to load their car to save you from walking an extra 30 feet, if I am the one loading the car while you impatiently wait for my spot, too close to my car for me to back out, or if I am completely on the other side of the parking lot just witnessing, I want to beat you up. The only time that waiting is appropriate is when the lot is full. Side note: the Walmart parking lot is never full; there are more spaces than there are Tooele residents.

2. business establishments that use the word "dollar" in their name, then sell their ware for more than a dollar--Dollar Cuts and Family Dollar, I don't understand you. Is it because you sell your product for dollars? Everyplace uses currency, I think. As far as I know, we've all outgrown the barter system. Maybe we should just change everything to a dollar store. We can call Albertson's, Grocery Dollar. Maybe McDonald's could be Greasy Drive-Through Dollar.

3. fund-raisers that don't actually do anything to raise their funds--Fund-raisers themselves are really annoying, but I understand that that money for your sparkly new drill-team uniform needs to come from someplace. However, holding a sign in front of Walmart saying give me money for our new rugby league is not raising funds, it's begging. Do something, anything, and I'll probably give you something. I would have given them my lecture, but they were raising money for high school rugby. That's football without pads.

4. smacking--Just smacking.

5. people who waive you on at a 4-way stop--Waiving someone on at a 4-way stop throws off the natural balance of things. It's not polite. It's just confusing. The polite thing to do is to go when you are supposed to. There are those rare exceptions when you all arrive at the same time, but those are special circumstances. The rest of the time, JUST GO! This applies double to downed traffic lights.

6..........Sorry, I got distracted by television and forgot (I'm sure that's someone else's pet peeve), so I'll have to get back to you.